A few days ago, I met a teenage patient who wanted to discuss how her skincare can be modified to impart a shine in front of the camera, what she should do to achieve a certain glass-skin standard, and what are the steps needed to attain and maintain a flawless, brighter (read, lighter) complexion. She was keen on making quick changes and looking forward to dramatic results. While this case and request are nothing new in my profession, it looked peculiar to me because she had good skin, already. No marks, no acne, no scars, no pigmentation. She had plump, healthy skin. I asked her if someone had prompted her to seek treatment or what caused her concern. Her reply made me sit back and think for a long time.
She said she makes 'make-up' tutorial videos and posts them on social media. However, her follower count has been decreasing for the last few months. She is studying makeup and hair styling and will make it her profession. To her, the decreasing number of followers meant she wasn't good enough.
A few years down the line, this task was done by elders in the family, the buas, chachis, maasi, grannys, even neighbours, who would subtly ask the young girl to apply ubtan, besan, haldi to become fairer, implying that she was dark. And hence, not good enough.
Getting treatment for skin concerns like acne, eczema or pigmentation is important because untreated they may either aggravate or leave scars. But the list does not include darker skin tone, which is definitely not a skin disease. Come on! We are in 2025. Are we still going to talk about how skin colour doesn't matter?
Moving on, I wondered how, knowingly or unknowingly, we attach our sense of self-worth to something outside of us. Something that fits societal standards of beauty or achievements - lighter, better, wrinkle-free, smooth skin; a certain shape of body or perfect weight; or achieving some degrees or scaling success ladders in career. How often we have heard people saying -
"I will buy that dress if I lose n number of kilos/ or, I don't look good in pictures because of my weight or shape."
"If only I achieve that degree or get that job, or buy xyz, I will be able to prove my worth to...so and so..."
"If I get so many number of followers or likes or hits, I will post the next content..."
"I write this, or post this... because this is what sells..."
All these statements are screaming for validation. And most of us don't even realise we have fallen in the trap.
I asked the pretty girl if she knew social media is a business based on tactics to keep you hooked. The 'views' and 'likes' you get reflect a particular algorithm, whether your target audience is shown your content, and how consistent you are on a platform. It doesn't reflect your worth. In fact, even if your content is in front of the right audience at the right time, they don't get to decide if you are worth it. Our skin colour and waist size is not a reflection of who we are.
Whether it is the approval of parents, family, partners, friends, or even strangers on social media, our worth is not some currency we need to earn regularly to survive in this world. Nor is it a prized possession we flash to prove our value to others. Our self-worth is intrinsic. It's our identity and our personality. It doesn't come from something outside of us. It stems from what we are when no one is watching us and no one cares what we are doing.
The moment we put ourselves in a position where others get to decide if we are worth it, we are aiming for a definite heartbreak someday or another. Abiding by someone else's standards for beauty, weight, success, or material possessions is futile. A never-ending race to nowhere. The standards keep changing and are mostly unrealistic. Different people judge us differently based on their own values and perceptions. They might not even know who we actually are. Weaving a life around the external praises we receive is a recipe for disaster. We may never know where to stop. Since external validation is never stable and fluctuates with time, people take desperate measures to seek and attain it. This leads to a pathological dependency on external validation and a constant feeling of self-doubt and low self-esteem.
To avoid falling into this trap, we must regularly remind ourselves that we are a unique blend of our thoughts, beliefs and actions. No one can be like us because, for that, they must have the same package as us - pedigree, lineage, education, environment, friends, upbringing, books we have read, movies we have loved, conversations we have had, and experiences we have gained... the list of what has shaped us is long! So, no two people can be completely the same in all aspects. Our values, likes, dislikes, personality traits, quirks and imperfections are all unique to each of us. They make us who we are. And, true self-love is accepting this package of personality and believing in our worth.
Once we start embracing our worth and value our originality and authenticity, we stop comparing our achievements and accomplishments to others and stop others from doing the same to us. It is as liberating an experience as decluttering a sacred space. The anxiety of not trying enough or not being enough begins to settle, and we realise there was never a need to measure our value by someone else's definition. We are enough. We always were. And if we feel the need to improve or better ourselves, it will be by our own standards and definitions, not to live up to some conditioning or format. Past mistakes don't define us. The ability to correct them and take up new challenges and opportunities does.
Finally, I always say - "We are not made in factories to look, speak, and achieve similar feats. We are humans, created by the Almighty, with lots of love." Let's show our gratitude by appreciating our uniqueness and staying content and peaceful.
Let me know if you have had an experience shifting your self-worth to an external system and how you took it back, planning to retrieve it back.
Have a great week ahead. Take care
M.
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You’re absolutely correct. Unfortunately, not everybody thinks the same way and because of that others have to face the self doubt. Specially, the under confident teenagers those who are still in developing stage. It would affect me when I was one and even now these people don’t stop. They think it is their resposibilty to remind us or make us aware of our physical appearance which according to them always have flaws one or the other. Even if it doesn’t bother us. They have to make sure they point it out to us. If you’re concerned about our health, good! But mostly the reason is not that. And if you exposing yourself to social media, then you have to develop a thick skin because there will be faceless people commenting anything or everything without thinking. That could be extremely insensitive. That’s making young influencers making drastic changes in their physical appearances with cosmetic surgeries, extreme weight loss and what not. If only someone guides them in the right direction, it may stop.
You have written it so well, Tanvi.
The more we talk about it the more we know how common and how difficult it is to stay unaffected by other people putting you down for no reason, leading to self doubt. This toxicity in the society needs to be de- normalized. And exactly this is why we should talk more about it.