Category: Short Story

Hello everyone,

The posts on my blog are all first drafts. I usually don’t proof read before posting. I just type and post.  You may find repetition, spelling errors, or careless grammatical mistakes too. Kindly ignore them. That is what editing is for 😊

Thank you for all the love and encouragement.
I am here because of you 💖

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“I’m so sorry, I’m letting you down.”

She whispered on a choking throat, dabbing her moist eyes. She knew that her tears unsettled him but this was something out of her control. She was losing power over her feelings, responses, emotions, and reactions. And she couldn’t help it.

This should have been the most beautiful moment of their lives and she had spoilt it. She hated it.

Manik smiled adoringly and sat down on her bed. Stroking her hand, he firmly grasped it, and said, “That’s it? That’s all you think about me? Isn’t it too shallow to think that we are letting people down if we are not in the best of our phases?”

“What else do I think? This was supposed to be such a precious moment… and…”

“This is…” He interrupted her, “This IS a special, precious moment, by all means. You are with me and our sunshine is breathing, healthy and safe, in this world. With us. How could this be any less precious? And no, it isn’t spoilt. The doctor said that ‘baby blues’ do happen. And they go away ‘like that’…” He snapped his thumb and first two fingers, and winked when he said – like that.

She smiled heartily, and cried too. She wished she understood what made her lose all the composure she had always maintained.
How carefully, how meticulously both of them had a carved a cocoon of their love to call it home. How delicately she had designed their lives together, he had planned their future, and how they had worked hard for it.
Certainly, not for this.

Not even in her weirdest dreams she had imagined something like this to happen to her. And this feeling made her feel more helpless. The constant nagging pinch that it should have been perfect made it worse and she couldn’t get over the shadow of darkness that drowned her further in despair.

Manik had always been perfect for her. He had never let her complain for anything. He had been excited for her pregnancy just like her and he had always wanted a daughter. Everything was so perfect.
Only she was not!

Nandini smiled for the sake of Manik, wiped her tears, and tried hard to feel normal.
If only the feelings were in our hands, and emotions in our control. But unfortunately, they were not. They were slaves to hormonal changes. And beyond explanations.

After a little food, Nandini drifted to sleep. She had been drained and exhausted due to the stress of delivery and surgery.

The nurse came to their room to change the baby’s diaper. Manik learnt from her the technique of changing the diaper and the way to hold her so that she was most comfortable. He didn’t realise that Nandini was woken up due to the noise and was now lovingly observing how he was painstakingly learning the basics of babycare.

She closed her eyes again, unable to keep them open, but this time with a peaceful look on her face. Manik with their daughter was the most serene visual she could have hoped for.

Manik was back to the sofa in their room, once he made sure that their daughter and Nandini, were both asleep. He opened his phone and read in detail about ‘baby blues’ and ‘post-partum depression.’ The details, the description, and the possible complications shook him. It went on to become full-fledged depression and most scary was a tendency to commit suicide. Overwhelming emotions and disturbance in hormones caused them.

He had been struggling to maintain a calm attitude before Nandini. Given the personality that he was, it was tough for him not to panic. He was fussy and very apprehensive about any unforeseen situation. A planner and a meticulous organizer that he was, situations like these baffled him. Being alone, added to it.

This was the first time, he was handling such a thing, without family. And when it came to Nandini, it added to his fears of losing his calm.

Keeping all of it aside, here, he had to pretend as if he was in control. In fact, he was giving confidence to Nandini. It was so tough for him that he feared that he would lose control.
He was scared that he won’t be able to manage. That he would start behaving like his old self – like panic-stricken, unnerved, anxious, lost soul.

As if it was not enough of a pressure that a new fear gripped him. What if Nandini’s depression extended for long? What if it progressed from baby blues to post partum depression? What if she developed suicidal tendency?

Even the possibility made him shudder. He buried his face in his palm and convinced himself that he could do it. He wasn’t going to lose his mind. Not now.

Nandini had the same fear. She had always seen an edgy, nervous side of Manik that she knew what he was going on inside. She exactly knew what went on behind his façade of trying to be strong for her. She hated it that she was the reason for his worries and she was only increasing them, instead of decreasing them.

“When did the doctor say that they will discharge me?” She asked him.

“On the third day. They are trying to relieve people as soon as they can,” Manik replied, “Covid is not a time for long stay in the hospital.”

“Manik, I’m missing my mom. And my family.”

“I know.” He said.

“I want to go to my parents’ home after we get discharged.” She said.

This seemed to be the only logical solution to free Manik of all his anxiety, and worries. He won’t have to deal with her labile emotions, her tears, and her weird reactions. He will be fine if he didn’t see her like this every day.

Manik didn’t reply to her. He simply looked at her face, wondering what made her feel so. Was he not good enough to help her in this situation? Did she think that he was not handling them properly?

He knew she was missing her family. And she had every right to visit them with the baby. But was it justified at this time? Her parents were old and frail. Her sister was ten years older than her. Nandini being the younger one, was born after a long gap from her older sister and brother. Her parents were much older than his parents too. Was it right to go to them in an unstable state of mind? More than anything, he was scared that he wouldn’t come to know if Nandini’s situation had deteriorated for worse.

He understood her state, now. Will her parents understand? What if she worsened and no one realised?

He wasn’t prepared to let her go out of his sight until she was completely fine. He couldn’t afford to let her go away. He would fret like a caged lion, if she left and he didn’t know how she was. That helpless, he would feel.

His face tightened and for the first time, he refused her blankly for something.

“No. You are not going anywhere.”

…………………………………..

To be continued...

The morning arrived with a row of check-ups, matrons and nurses visiting the new mother and baby to help them form a new routine that involved baby care, nursing, feeding, knowing what the baby needed, and attending to Nandini’s scars and suture line.

Nandini was quiet and co-operative throughout the routine. She neither asked questions nor did she complain of pain or discomfort. Instead, she shook her head with every instruction as if she understood it well. Manik was keenly focused on her face and her blank expressions while she shook her head, agreed to instructions, and held the baby. He was the only one to notice that Nandini wasn’t even listening properly to what was being told to her. It was, as if, the world was passing by her and she was standing as a silent, non-participating, non-interested spectator from a different planet.

He held the baby in his arms, carefully wrapped in soft layers of linen, and stayed quiet, listening to every single guideline the doctor and the nurses pointed to, because he knew that she would need them, later. At least, one of them should properly note down the advice given to them.

When the doctor left their room, after asking the nurse to dress Nandini’s sutureline, Manik slowly lowered the baby in her crib and rushed out of their room to follow her.

“Excuse me, doctor!” He called from behind, startling the doctor.

The doctor stopped, and asked, “Yes, Manik! What happened? Is there something you need to ask?”

“Doctor, I am really worried about Nandini. I need to know if the way she is behaving is normal for a woman after delivering a baby.”

Manik told the doctor in detail about how Nandini had been crying after the delivery, she had never been weak or with an unstable mind, so it worried him more. She had mentioned that she thought she won’t be a good mother. In fact, she regretted planning and having the baby. She wasn’t really keen on attending to the baby, didn’t eat anything since yesterday, and didn’t sleep too. She wasn’t sharing much with him, though before the baby they had been best of friends and shared everything with each other. She looked sad and lost all the time. Her behaviour both puzzled and worried him now.

“Is this normal? Does every woman behave like this?” He had a knot between his brows when he spelled his worries in a nervous voice.

The doctor touched his arm to assure him and said, “Not everyone notices these subtle changes, Manik. People think and assume that a woman is over-reacting. So, I’m really glad and proud of you that you perceived these changes in her behaviour so early. And for your question, the answer is –No! Not every woman feels like that. Pregnancy and delivery are both blessed and equally overwhelming moments of a girl’s life. While most women handle it beautifully, a lot of us are not able to deal with it because of hormonal issues. The sudden fall in certain hormones after the delivery, the life-threatening complications that she faced at the time of labour, the surgery, and not having her family around due to Covid has overthrown her balance and rocked her confidence in herself. She is going through a crucial phase right now, feeling crushed and devastated.”

Manik could feel his heart sinking. He pressed his lips inside and drew a huge breath, shaking his head side to side, as if unable to believe this. His Nandini was the strength and support system that kept him strong on his feet. She was someone who kept his family as a close-knit unit and was the backbone on which they were all emotionally dependent for their smiles and their peace. How could she crumble like this?

This was not possible.
Was Nandu even capable of losing her mind? Wasn’t she too tough for her small frame, as he always teased her? Wasn’t she too resilient in the most difficult of storms they had seen together?
How could she feel defeated?

The doctor could understand what Manik was feeling. She knew both Manik and Nandini for long. And she had seen many couples going through this phase. She calmly said, “It happens, Manik. A sudden drop in hormone levels does that to even the most stable, organized, and strong people. On top of that, there were sudden complications. Imagine, what she must be going through – clueless herself – about why she is not able to instinctively feel the bliss of motherhood. Why she feels detached from everything around her. These are called ‘baby blues’…”

“Baby blues?” Manik was completely at a loss of words. Torn at how Nandini was going through this tough moment. And immensely thankful that he was around her when she was at her lowest. No matter what happened, he knew that he could pull her out of every trough in her stability.

“Yes. Baby blues. Doesn’t happen with every woman. But not uncommon either. I see a lot of girls facing this situation, soon after baby’s birth.”

His lips trembled when he spoke on a dried throat, “She’ll be fine, right?”

“She may! She may improve from here. But she might worsen too. If it grows more, this situation may turn into postpartum depression. Which is more severe, more worrisome and more difficult to treat. The sadness and depression if last for longer may have long term negative effects on psyche and personality.”

Manik was about to panic. But he calmed himself and asked nervously, “Then, why don’t you treat her right now? We can’t let it worsen.”

“No… We won’t let it worsen. I’ll arrange for counselling sessions for her and will ask our visiting psychiatrist to have a word with Nandini and begin her treatment asap. Don’t worry. We will do our best.”

The doctor patted Manik’s arm and left, assuring him that she was going to do as much as she could in her capacity to help Nandini heal.

Manik dragged his heavy steps back towards the room. Yes, the doctor had asked not to worry and assured that she will treat Nandu. The psychiatrist and counsellors will have a word with her too. There was nothing to worry. Obviously not.
The doctors knew their job and they will take care.

When he reached the room, the nurse had finished her work and was waiting for Manik to be back with Nandini and the baby, before she left. After Manik entered, he thanked the nurse. The nurse smiled and left the room.

“Hey! Where were you?” Nandini asked in a faint voice. Her throat cracked and each word seem to leave in a tough, laborious effort.

Manik walked closer to her bed and tapped his fingers on the edge of her bed, wondering what to tell her. The fact was that he had never made excuses for anything, ever, before her. She had never stopped him or asked questions if he wanted to go and have drinks with his friends, even if once a month, or spend a random Sunday watching cricket with his friends, or when he had to visit any of his relatives which didn’t get along with her, or take his mother to market. He had never said a lie because he had never needed to. She knew him and understood him. He told her everything he went through, felt, or thought. Lying to her didn’t come naturally to him.

Nandini looked at his face. Everything about that look worried her. Holding a distinct frown, she asked, “Manik… what…?”

He cleared his throat and said, “I… I followed the doctor…”

“Why?”

He shrugged, swayed his lower jaw side to side, and blurted in one go, “I was worried, yaar! For you!!! I wanted to know whether all girls tear up like this after the baby is born or you are a special case.”

She was glaring at him, shocked at what he said. After a moment, she rolled her eyes, clueless about whether she should yell at him for no reason, just because she was feeling strangely irritated at her situation, or be kind to him because he took it as far as consulting the doctor, or whether she should smile because he was so adorable and cared like no one else in the world could ever care for her.

The response was not in her hand. It wasn’t possible that he was around and she wouldn’t smile. Unintentionally, she faintly smiled, and whispered in a soft voice, “You are so hopeless. What did the doctor say?”

His smile widened when he found her smiling. It didn’t matter, even if she had smiled faintly. That was enough to fill his heart with hope. He sighed.

“She said you are special. I always knew, you were!”

………………………………….

Next Chapter – Chapter 8

“And all mothers are mature too. I’m not mature enough to be a mother. I’ll be the worst mother ever.” Nandini had said.

Manik smiled adoringly, patting lightly on her arm, and tried to cheer her up, “Aww! Come on, now. Don’t be too harsh on yourself.”

Nandini closed her eyes and took a painful, laborious deep breath. More tears rolled down her pretty cheeks, making her wet eyelashes stick to them. Manik sat down on a chair beside her and held her hand. He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, quietly but firmly.
In support and in understanding.

A few minutes back, he had been missing his ma and sister. A moral support from family was never too much. He could understand how Nandini must be missing her family, her older sister, her brother, and more than anything, her mum and dad. She was close to both of them. They had always been a strong pillar of support, whenever she had needed them, whether during her studies, or when she went to Bangalore to hone her culinary skills, or when she fell in love with Manik and needed them to bless her and permit her to marry him.

Today, at such an important juncture in her life, when she had become a mother for the first time, their support and presence was vital for her. She missed them. Being in their oldage, and due to covid19 induced restrictions, none of them could make it for their big day.

Manik knew how much Nandini wanted her mother and sister to be there. But was that the only reason? She was fine before she went for the operation. And as far as he knew, she was not someone to hold on to negative emotions for a long time. She knew how to stay positive and move on.
The way, she had been crying incessantly, troubled him.

The nurse came after some time to replenish fluids in drip set. She injected some antibiotics and left after talking to Nandini and explaining her about breast feeding. Nandini listened to everything and nodded to agree.

When food arrived, she ate not even a single morsel of it. Manik insisted her to take a few bites but she refused. He wished he could convince her but she wasn’t listening.
It was weird because Nandini always remained particular about health and nutrition. She took diligent care of proper diet for every member in the family with respect to their preferences and nutritional requirements. She had taken proper care of herself throughout her pregnancy. Her degree in Food and Nutrition came handy in this job as she knew what to cook and for whom. She taught cooking as well as about discussed a lot about nutrition with her students.

Manik hoped that it was a general mood change and there was nothing more to think about it.

At night, Nandini fed the baby and gave her back to Manik, who carefully settled her in her crib. He was clueless about how to handle a small one-day-old baby and his soulmate who was not even talking to him after the dreadful time of her delivery had passed.

Under normal circumstances, they would have talked on and on, about how they felt about this situation, how they missed their families, how they couldn’t believe it that a part of each of them was living and breathing in the same room and nothing had felt more complete than this moment. They had talked about it before the delivery during her days of ups and downs during the pregnancy.
But not today.
Often, their conversations were never ending. They would talk about each and every thing on the face of the earth, every single thing happening in their lives, their dreams and ambitions, hopes and desires.
But not today.

After dinner, he checked if the baby was calm and asleep. After making sure that she was well covered and comfortable, he switched off the main lights and let 2 yellow lamps stay on so that the room remained sufficiently illuminated for any movement.

Nandini was wide awake. She was lying straight on her back, staring at something nonspecific on the ceiling. Manik pulled a chair to sit beside her. He observed her for a long moment. Neither she turned to him nor spoke anything.

Manik cleared his throat to attract her attention but she stayed quiet. Finally, he said, “You can talk to me.”

This time, she turned her face to him, and after a small pause, she asked, “About what?”

He sighed, “Everything. All that you are going through, all that you are feeling right now…”

“I feel nothing.”

“Nandu…” He tried again, but she interrupted him.

“No…really… I feel nothing, Manik. I am so, so blank.”

He murmured in a soft voice, “Aren’t you excited?”

She stared at him as if he was talking in Greek. As if there was nothing to be excited about. When he didn’t say more, she asked, “About what?”

He raised his brows to point towards the baby. And shrugged. “The baby?”

She sighed, and nodded side to side. A moment later, tears dropped from her eyes in a constant flow, and she sobbed, “I don’t know, Manik. How I should be feeling…how I am really feeling…why I am not even excited for the baby…”

Manik hated to see her in tears. He felt helpless and lost when his strongest support, his Nandini, admitted to feeling low and lost. Nandini knew that so she hardly ever lost control over her emotions when she was with him. But today, she couldn’t help it. She had been crying since the afternoon, since the moment she was out of the operation theatre.

Manik leaned ahead and held her hand in both his hands and squeezed it lovingly. “Ssshh! Don’t cry. And don’t be under the pressure of ‘feeling’ anything. Excited, upset, nothing… my fault… I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, it’s my fault.” She shivered as she sobbed, “I’m making you worried too.”

“Take it easy. I know you are overwhelmed. You want to talk to someone? Ma, papa, didi?”

“No!” She whispered. Her cheeks looked red and drained.

“Okay, no worries. Try to get some sleep.”

“I don’t feel sleepy.” She winced in pain.

“Do you want to talk?”

“No.”

He smiled adoringly. “Alright. Then, we can just sit, side by side. I’m here if you need something.”

“You go to sleep.”

“I don’t feel sleepy, either.” He patted her hand.

“I’m sorry. Tell me that I am behaving stupid.”

He drew her hand to his lips and softly kissed it. “When I used to worry and drive you nuts by my constant apprehensive rants, you never said that I was behaving stupid. It isn’t stupid to share your vulnerabilities. It’s strength.”

She didn’t know why she was feeling like this – drained, hopeless, lost – why her emotions were all over the place. Her feeling were so messed up that she didn’t even know what she was feeling at this moment. But in the midst of this turmoil, she knew that there was one feeling, strongest of all, that had remained constant through every twist and turn of her life. That feeling was her love for Manik. She knew that it would never change.

Manik convinced himself that this phase was nothing more than a momentary low-down because of her feelings overwhelming her. But it wasn’t easy for him, as well.

He was worried to death whenever something troubled her. It wasn’t in him to stay calm when people around him were disturbed. Especially Nandini. He could do anything in his might to make her feel better. And he would remain restless until he did that.
But today, he had to keep calm. At least, he was going to try to stay calm and not make it evident on his face that he was about to panic.

He had promised her that he won’t fret about her more than he should.  

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Next Chapter – The Size of Love: Chapter 7

“Congratulations, sir! A girl has arrived to grace your home.” The nurse congratulated Manik.

Only a moment ago, he was thinking whether he really wanted to risk his beautifully woven life for a new member in his family. Whether a baby was really worth putting Nandini’s life at stake. Their life, their world was complete otherwise, as well.

The next moment, he was holding a small, delicate, breathing bundle of flesh, quivering in his arms. Manik held him through layers of cotton sheets. Yet, he could feel the softness of her skin. Her face was so tiny, so vulnerable, so tender. So were her hands and the pink skin of her neck and wrists, wrinkled like silk.

His first instinct was to protect her. Almost instinctively, he drew his arms towards his chest and kept the baby cocooned within his arms, tucked to his chest.

It was incredible. How could a human be so small? Or had he never seen a small baby before? So small as less than an hour old? Are they all so small? Or was this particularly teeny tiny?

The doctor followed the nurse and stood facing Manik. She had a smile of satisfaction on her face. “Congratulations, Manik.”

Manik was distracted. He raised his eyes from the baby and as if an infinitesimal spell was  broken, bringing him back to the present. He was worried for Nandu, all over again. No matter how much she asked him not to worry, he couldn’t help it.

“Doctor, how is Nandini? I hope she is fine!”

“Yes. Thankfully, everything went well. She is fine. We’ll bring her out in some time. By the way, did you meet your baby?”

Manik had a helpless smile on his face. He was trying to hold the baby as safely as he could. A constant fear of dropping her gripped him. Finally, he nodded, “Yeah! I did… but honestly, I don’t know what to do with it.”

The doctor chuckled, “It’s ‘her’ Manik… not ‘it’…and you don’t have to know what to do with ‘her’… parenthood is instinctive. Trust your instincts. Rest, she’ll tell you what she wants.”

Manik sheepishly grinned and shook his head, apologetically, “I’ll try not to worry…”

“Great! Congratulations once again. The nurse brought the baby to let you meet her. We are now taking her to the nursery for a complete check up and recording of parameters, etc. She will be back to your room with Nandini. You can wait in the room, until then.”

Manik agreed, nodding with a smile, and handed over the baby safely back to the nurse. The nurse took the baby to the nursery and Manik thrust his hands in the pockets of his denim jeans, watching them go as they entered the pediatric wing.

He strolled his way back to the room, wondering if it would have been better if his mom or Renu di were around him to take care of these things ‘instinctively.’

He had always tried to avoid any such moment of responsibility or difficult interactions. Mom, Renu di, or Nandini were always there to relieve him. It was weird that when faced with the most unprecedented moment of his life, he had none of them by his side.

And boy!! What a meeting it was! Tougher than the professional interviews he had attended ever, and aced with panache. Never had he found himself so tongue-tied when meeting someone new.

He couldn’t stop smiling when he returned to the room. The little baby’s face didn’t leave his mind, even for a second.

Already, he was craving to hold her in his arms. Also, he couldn’t wait to tease Nandini that he was the first one to hold their baby.

…………………………

Nandini had to be kept in the observation room for some time. The baby was given to her for the first feed and then kept separately to let her take rest.

After almost three hours, Nandini was brought back to the room where Manik had been waiting.

She managed a small smile when her eyes rested on him. Immediately, he reached for her hand and clutched it warmly in his own. Carefully, sitting beside her, he caressed her hair, taking them away from her face.

“Are you fine?” He asked.

“Absolutely!” She sighed and whispered.

“God, I was so so scared.” He clutched her hand tighter.

She winced in pain. A small tear rested on the edge of her lower eyelid. She opened her mouth to speak something but she couldn’t. Her throat was choked with a vague painful blob on an inside. Her mouth was dried. Unable to respond to him, she closed her eyes. More tears flew down her cheeks.

Manik was worried to see her crying so much. He had never seen her losing her stability or sanity. It was his domain to freak out at every little thing. Nandini had been his pillar of strength. And now, watching her losing her strength, was unsettling for him, more than her.

“Sshh! Don’t cry. Everything is fine now. We’ve made through the toughest phase. It will only heal from now.”

Nandini nodded to agree to him. But she could speak nothing. She felt so overwhelmed and lost.

The nurse brought the baby from the nursery and lay her beside Nandini on her bed. Nandini threw a glance sideways to look at the divine figure nestled close to her.

“Oh my God! She is so so so cute!” Manik sighed, adoringly looking at her.

Nandini wiped her tears. And said, “Take her away.”

“What happened?” He asked, not expecting this response from her.

“I don’t think I am ready for this. I almost gave up, a few hours ago, in the OT.”

“Come on, Nandu, you don’t mean it, right?” He adoringly ran the back of his hands on her cheek.

“I mean it, Manik. I feel that I am going to hurt her. She’ll be trapped below me when I turn to my side while sleeping. She is so small.”

“All babies are small.” He spoke like a learned man, suddenly grown up and responsible. Switching sides with Nandini.

“And all mothers are mature too. I’m not mature enough to be a mother. I’ll be the worst mother ever.”

……………………….

Next Chapter – The Size of Love: Chapter 6

He might have said that he was going to love the baby more but deep in his heart, he knew that he could love nothing and nobody more than he loved Nandini.

She was the centre of his Universe. Sole axis on which his life revolved. His happiness, his dreams, his ambitions began and ended with his desires to provide her with everything she had ever imagined. He didn’t remember if he had ever desired anything more from life than her smiles and her laughter. Her wishes were the sole purpose why he worked so hard to build a comfortable life for them. And now their kids.

She had desperately wanted to have babies but they had waited. For 4 years they concentrated on their work. Until they were settled and confident in their individual professions. One year ago, he had been promoted as the Senior Manager in his company, overlooking the pan-Asian projects, and almost a month later, she got a raise to become the Chief Chef in Delhi School of Cookery and Craft.

Everything was going fine. And when she conceived, there was a forced stay-at-home because of Covid19 as the school was closed indefinitely. Always being the one to find some positive aspect in everything negative, she took this time as an opportunity to take care of herself and the baby. She didn’t go out except for ANC check ups. She paid attention to her diet and exercise schedule. She did prenatal yoga and slept well. In fact, she used to insist Manik to sleep on time. Her relationship with his parents was pleasant and mutually respectful. They loved her a lot. Valued her achievements. And she cared for them. So there was no chance of stress. He had tried his best to keep her stressfree.

That is why, it was puzzling to him, that despite all care, proper diet, yoga, sleep, no stress, she had landed in a complication during the delivery.

‘Some things are unpredictable!’

Manik was worried all over again. He switched off the gallery in his phone and sent a message to his sister, about how worried he was. They had taken Nandu for a surgery. His sister, Renu, called him immediately.
Renu di lived in Bareilly and wasn’t able to come to Gurgaon because of travel restrictions. Talking to her was like a breather to him. She was nine years older to him and had always been loving and motherly. Even Nandini connected well with Renu di. She assured Manik that everything will be fine. Manik took a deep breath and disconnected the call, promising her that he will be patient.

He went outside, and walked towards the OT with a heart beating frantically against his rib cage. Manik inquired about Nandini. It was almost an hour since they had taken Nandini inside. The nurse went inside the OT, assessed the situation, talked to the doctor and came back outside to inform him to wait. The doctor couldn’t begin the procedure as Nandini’s blood pressure had shot up. They had given her medicines to reduce the blood pressure. They were planning to do the Caesarean section under epidural anaesthesia and were about to begin it soon.

Manik could feel his mouth going dry. It was getting scarier. Standing outside the OT, alone, and confused, he had never felt more helpless than this moment. Nothing was in his hands. He could do nothing to alleviate Nandini’s pain and struggle. He could only hope for the doctor to take care of her. He prayed for Nandu, and sat down on the steel chair in the corridor outside the OT.

Every possibility of things going wrong flashed before his eyes. He lowered his face and buried it in his palms, resting his folded elbows on his knees. He felt so lonely. So powerless. So desolate.

He wanted his Nandini back. Hale and hearty. Giggling at his lame jokes. Making fun of him when his mother and sisters chided him. Patiently solving basic problems in life that would often make him panic-ridden. She loved him like no other. She tolerated his ramblings whenever he was upset and then, when he would calm down, she would patiently explain her opinion on the matter. Making him see the other side, as well. She had been an unflinching partner during his brightest achievements and darkest depressions. Someone who shared his dreams and aspirations, his passions and desires, his hopes and efforts, and allowed him to share the same on her end.

Falling in love with Nandini and getting married to her had been the purest, most effervescent, blissful, dreamy years of his life that he couldn’t – he wouldn’t – trade for anything.

His heart sank. He wanted all of it back. He couldn’t afford to lose this part of his life. He couldn’t affort to lose his Nandini. Not for anything in the world.

Not even for the baby. He cursed the day when they had decided to plan for a baby. They were both happy together. Why did they need a baby between them? A baby was not worth risking life for. Definitely not.

“Mr. Malhotra!” The voice of nurse distracted him and he raised his face from his palms to look up.
The nurse was wearing a mask, still Manik could see the sparkle in her eyes, when she moved her brows towards a small bundle, wrapped in layers of cotton, in her arms.

He stood zapped and stunned when the nurse handed him a small human, tiny in size and softer than cotton, in his arms.
“Congratulations, sir! A girl has arrived to grace your home.”
…………………………………….

Next Chapter – The Size of Love: Chapter 5

Manik couldn’t concentrate on the TV even when his favourite soccer team was playing. He found himself pressing his lips together, biting his nails often, pacing around the room every few minutes, and then trying to concentrate on the TV but nothing seemed to work.

Now, as an afterthought, he regretted not accompanying Nandu in the labour room. When the doctor had asked them if he would like to go with her in the labour room, he had been apprehensive. And before he could decide, Nandu had asked him not to come. The person that he was, he would have freaked out at first scream he heard from Nandu, driving everyone else crazy too.

As it always happen when we wonder about a moment, once it has passed, if we could have behaved differently, Manik too was remorseful why he didn’t go with her. At least, he wouldn’t have been edgy right now.

After almost two hours, the nurse came to Manik and asked him to accompany her towards the corridor where there were located the labour room, the Operation theatre and the doctors’ cabins in a row.

Manik followed her feeling nervous, “Sister, is my wife doing fine?”

The nurse nodded and said, “The doctor will talk to you about it.”

Soon, the doctor emerged from the labour room and spoke directly to Manik, explaining in a calm tone, “Mr. Manik Malhotra, there have been some unforeseen complications in Nandini’s case. We can’t take risk so we have to take an urgent decision of emergency Caesarean section.”

Manik could feel his heart thumping hard in his chest. As far as he knew, everything was going fine with Nandini for all the past nine months. In fact, she had routinely maintained a diet and walk schedule, along with prenatal yoga. All her investigations had been normal and she was feeling calm and relaxed. They had been hoping for a normal delivery. This sudden complication was unexpected and shocking. In fact, he was unable to believe it.

His throat dried as he asked, “Operation? Is it something serious? Are they both fine? Isn’t it risky?”

The doctor patted his arm and said, “For now, both the mother and baby are fine. Circumstances are such that I will not advise normal vaginal delivery. We need to take an urgent decision.”

Manik immediately replied, “You are her doctor. Please take your call. If she needs a surgery, you need my permission. It’s completely up to you. We trust you.”

The doctor smiled, “Thank you, Manik. But it isn’t enough. You need to give a written consent that we can proceed with the surgery. You know how it is, when it comes to legal matters. The surgery is a small procedure and within 2 hours, she will be back. But still, we can’t proceed on verbal consent. Please sign these papers.”

Manik quickly took the papers to sign. But when he read the fine print, that mentioned that he was giving consent for surgery, fully aware that complications do occur during surgery, from massive blood loss, to sudden death of mother or baby, and he will not accuse the doctor and hospital for negligence, his hands froze. Even a vague passing thought of anything bad happening with Nandini felt like a storm raging in his heart and mind. It was a tough call but he didn’t have any other option. He was reminded of how Nandu had asked him to promise that he wouldn’t worry about them. He missed his parents and sister at the time when he needed them the most.

He rested his faith in the doctor and God, and signed the papers. When the doctor was leaving, he stopped her, “Doctor…”

“Yeah?” The pleasant doctor stopped and turned to listen to him.

“Please take care of her.” he requested.

The doctor smiled and said, “Don’t worry. That’s my sole job right now.”

Manik was back to the room, feeling heavy. He took out his phone to talk to his Ma but then he decided against it. She would ask a hundred questions and will start worrying about Nandini. Also, Papa and Ma both didn’t need stress at this time.

Instead of calling them, his hand moved over the phone ‘gallery’ on its own. Nandini loved to click pictures and Manik was by default her cameraman. At every place, at every occasion, at every moment, she would pose with her trademark smile, asking to click her pictures – several of them – and also the videos, and then should post them in her Instagram stories, Reels and feed.

He couldn’t stop smiling when he saw those pictures. She was so full of life. So happy. So loving. She called him ‘boring’ because he was a recluse and mostly uninterested in clicking pictures or even posting them anywhere. His social media accounts were more of a formality with one post in few months, and only family following him. He didn’t have many followers. Nor he desired.

One particular photo was with the Ganpati statue in their home. Nandini had immense faith in Ganpati Bappa. She always said that Ganpati will take care of her because she talked to Him as children talk to their parents.

Rest all pictures were from their home only as they couldn’t go anywhere because of Covid. They had not stepped out of home except the ANC visits and regular checkups with doctors. Nandini loved going for long drives and ice-cream dates post dinner. But for past six months, they hadn’t gone anywhere.

She had informed him that the moment she was discharged from the hospital and they were allowed to go out, he was supposed to take her out for an ice-cream date at Giani’s Ice cream parlour.

Manik had agreed reluctantly. He had never understood her love for ice-cream.

“Sometimes, I feel that you love ice-cream more than you love me!” He had complained, rolling his eyes.

“I would have loved you more, if I could eat you!” She had giggled, pulling his cheeks, telling him how cute he looked when he was jealous.

“Such a cheap thought!” He acted like he was puking. “And, by the way, I am not jealous.”

She laughed when he refused to accept it. Pointing at his look, she had said, “I can’t believe it Malhotra, you are jealous? Of ice-cream?? How will you behave when you’ll have to share me with a full-fledged living being, a few days from now.”

His envy was turned into a wide smile. He replied –

“I will love the baby more. I promise, you will be the one who is jealous.”

………………………………….

Next Chapter – The Size of Love: Chapter 4

Nandini was admitted to one of the best maternity rooms. They had planned everything in advance. They had already paid for the package of the delivery, the room, the services required – both doctors, maternity nurses, neonatologists etc. Manik didn’t want to leave anything for a later stage so he had prepared for the hospital facilities. He settled Nandini on the bed and asked for the doctor.

The sister on duty informed him that the doctor is on her way and will be here any moment. Since there was enough time to go for the delivery, they need not panic.

Manik thanked her and returned to sit on Nandini’s bed.

“See, I prepared everything ahead of time!” He raised his collar and bragged.

Nandini giggled adoringly, “Except the duffel bag with towels and thermos bottle.”

Manik rolled his eyes, “And Ma was so irritated at me.”

“Like always!”

He narrowed his eyes and stared at her, “Tell me honestly, Nandu… you always love it nah, when I am scolded?”

She couldn’t stop smirking. But still, she tried to nod and refuse, “Nooo!!! You are my husband, Manik. And I am a dutiful wife. I can never be happy when you are miserable.”

He didn’t believe her, “Really?! Why does it sound fishy?”

She shrugged and pressed her lips with a clearly naughty twinkle in her eyes. He almost chided her using his eyes and leaned ahead to tickle her, “Liar!!”

She laughed candidly and then immediately, she stiffened, “Ouch!!”

He straightened, alarmed. And worried. “What happened? You fine?”

She settled herself properly, nodded to relieve him and smiled warmly. “I’m great.”

“Sure?” His face was still drawn, “I’m such an idiot. I hope I didn’t hurt you.”

With her hand raised to his cheek, she spoke in a soft voice, “Manik, you need to stop being so anxious. I know you are strong and able when it comes to anything else in the world. But whenever I’m involved, all buzzers in your system go off at the same time.”

He smirked to disregard her concern and pressed his lips on her forehead. Instinctively, he said, “Ever since I was a kid, I was always worried about losing things or people I love the most. It happened for a few times, that I lost people I loved and was attached to – my grandparents, best friends…”

“I know that, Manik.”

“So, you should also know that I am trying to overcome that anxiety but my reactions to your discomfort and pain arise from my old-time victim mentality – that – so much bad has happened with me…that I am going to lose people I love… blah blah… and also… that nothing bad should happen to you… because I am responsible for taking care of you… etc…”

She smiled and stroked his arm lovingly, “Stop living in self pity. Nothing will happen to me.”

He twisted his lips and said, “I wish I was as strong as you.”

“You will be!! And you have to… or else, you will be a lost case with the baby too. I don’t want a softie as a father to my baby. You’ll have to be strong, and strict, and stern!”

“Yeah??!!” He asked, lifting a brow, “Do you want me to be a tough parent?”

“Of course! One has to be a good parent, spoiling the kids. The other has to be a strict parent, who disciplines the kids. Or else, they will be using us against each other. Let’s be a team and train them. It’s called ‘good cop-bad cop’ theory!”

He rolled his eyes, “You read that on some website!”

She giggled, “Obviously! Do you think, I make up parenting theories.”

He laughed too, “But honestly, why do I feel that you are going to be a stern mother. The jailer types.”

She made a helpless pout and frowned, “I knew it! I so knew it… that you will become the softie papa and leave all disciplining part to me!”

“Ha! Suits you… the way you discipline me…”

“I discipline you?” She opened her mouth widely.

“You bet?”

“Manik, who gives angry glares to me, now and then? The way you suddenly fire in anger, the way you behave like a cranky baby… did you even forget how you throw tantrums with food… I am so well-behaved, nice, and mature as compared to you.”

“Okay! Forget it. The baby is listening…” He chuckled, “Don’t create a bad impression for me, already.”

She laughed again and whacked on his arm, before wincing in pain again. The contractions were becoming stronger. His face appeared tense once again. Nandini looked at him and nodded hopelessly, giggling away all over again, “Stop it, Manik. I am fine. By the time, I deliver, you will become hypertensive with these ups and downs of adrenaline in your blood stream.”

He folded his hands across his chest and shrugged, “Can’t help it Nandu… It’s a reflex action!”

The doctor arrived by then and asked Manik to excuse them for some time, till she examined Nandini. Manik walked out of the room, but not before giving her a soft blink, assuring her that he was around and she will be fine.

Nandini smiled blissfully and paid attention to the questions that the doctor asked. The doctor left after a few minutes after telling them that there was still time and she will be taking Nandini to the labour room after an hour or so. She allowed Manik to go inside the room and sit with Nandini for the mean time.

After one hour, the nurse arrived to take Nandini to the labour room and Manik was asked to wait in their room to welcome the baby and the mother. Manik was nervous, already. He gave a loving, assuring look to Nandini and said, “All the best, okay! Don’t get scared. Don’t get worried. You will be fine.”

Adoringly, she shook her head, “Tell that to yourself, hubby! Please don’t be worried or scared. I’ll be back with our world beside me.”

She was shifted on a gurney to be transported to the labour room. He moved her hair away from her face and bowed down to kiss her on her lips. Observing her pale face keenly, as he said, “Do you want something?”

“Yes!”

“Tell me…”

“Manik, I get my strength from you. I can be relaxed and calm because I know that you are with me… you will do anything to make me comfortable and happy. You will fight the world for me. I want you to remain strong at all times. Please stop worrying about me.”

He smiled, “You’ve said that before.”

“I’ll always keep repeating.”

“I’m really going to try.”

“Promise?” She opened her palm before him.

“Promise!” He slipped his palm over hers and grasped her hand in a firm hold. After giving it a warm squeeze, he raised it to his lips and kissed her hand, and then he let her go.

He took a deep breath and sat down on the couch in the room to wait for the good news. He decided to watch TV to pass time and not drown in anxiety, worrying about Nandu. He had promised her that he will not worry.

And he could do anything to live up to the promise made to her.

………………………………..

Next Chapter – The Size of Love: Chapter 3

Hey all, 

This short story, I started writing it impromptu. Here is the link to read how and why I started writing it – A MaNan Short Story

Hope you like it. Please leave feedback in case you wish to share how you felt about it.

Also, let me know if you are getting notifications or not.

…………………………………….

Links to Chapters –

Chapter 1 – Scroll down

Chapter 2 
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8

……………………………………..

Chapter 1

12:30 am
Gurugram, India

In the middle of the dark night, all lights were switched on, once again.

The temperature had dipped in the night due to the heavy rainfall all over the Northern parts of India, the cold breeze made its way through tiny crevices and made the glass windows clatter subtly against each other, the curtains flew in a confused sway. The pet dogs in the house were alerted because something was not normal, like all other days.

On normal days, this was the time to sleep for the rest of the family except Manik, a software engineer in an MNC, basically an American company,  who worked mostly till late at night.

But today, the scene inside the house was as chaotic as the outside weather. Manik was up on his toes, panicking around the house to hurriedly pack water bottle, basic necessities, towel, hand wash, etc. in a small duffel bag. His mother, Sunayna, gave him a thermos bottle and said, “Didn’t I tell both of you to pack things beforehand. But who listens to parents these days?”

“Ma, please!” Manik rolled his eyes at the lecture which was to now follow for days. He took the thermos and zipped the bag.

“What please!”Sunayna chided him, “She is in her ninth month. We knew, the delivery could happen any day. But nah, both of you are lost in your own world.”

Nandini giggled at that taunt, as she slowly walked in the living room. She had never said it in words but she always enjoyed it thoroughly when Ma and Papa were taking Manik’s class. His face was a sight to behold before his parents. Manik glared at her with a dirtiest angry look on his face. She was definitely not scared but pretended to agree to behave herself.

“I wish, papa and I could come!” Sunayna said, giving the mask to Nandini. Nandini wore her mask while Manik curled his arm around his mother’s shoulder, “You know that you can’t. You are diabetic and hypertensive. Papa has just recovered from stroke. Both of you are at high risk of covid. Moreover, the doctors are not allowing more people.”

His dad asked, “I hope, you manage well.”

“The hospital is one of the best in Gurgaon. They have assured that we won’t need anyone. They will take care.”

Manik wore his mask, carried the duffel bag, and the car keys to drive towards the hospital.

Sunayna helped Nandu cross the threshold by holding her hand as it was on a slope. Manik took over after that. He held her hand firmly in his grasp to support her. Sunayna smiled lovingly and hugged Nandu.

“Stay strong. And don’t be scared. God will take care.” Sunayna applied a black dot of kajal behind Nandini’s earlobe to ward off evil eye and blessed them.

………………

Manik drove the car, tapping his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel at every turn, every traffic light, and every time, he had to slow down. Nandini was beside him, trying the best possible position to sit, tossing and turning slowly, softly, in the passenger seat.

“Hey! Are you fine?” He asked worriedly.

Nandini made an irked face, “I’m fine!! Why are you always so panicking? I’m doing great. Just a little uneasy.”

“Just a little??” He asked shocked, “You alarmed me at 12:00 in the night to tell me that the time has come. Your contractions have increased. And you tell me that you are ‘just a little’ uneasy?? How are you so calm, womannnn??!! I would have fainted if I was in your place.”

She laughed out loud at that. He was always like that. Impatient, finicky, clumsy, and very particular about everything. And when it came to taking care of her, his impatience, his clumsiness, and his worry would spike up at a whole new higher level.

He had been so particular that he had accompanied her for all medical check-ups, ANC clinics, USG scans, and all schedule visits to prenatal clinics. He reminded her of her medicines, kept asking if she slept well, and most importantly, about how she was feeling at every stage of pregnancy.

Nandini teased him, like always, “You know what, I think, you are already at my place. You sound more like a pregnant woman than I do!”

“Ha! Very funny!” He swayed his jaw, not amused.

Nandini kept laughing, forgetting every bit of pain and discomfort, she had been going through.

Such was her life with Manik in past 4 years. When she looked back, she only remembered laughter, fun, happiness, care, and love. On the contrary, pain and difficulties, even when they had some, were lost in the brightness and sparkle of their mutual love and respect.

And now, they were about to welcome a new addition to their family. They were ecstatic about the little bundle of joy about to bless their lives with an abundance of love.

Manik asked, “Nandu, are you scared?”

“No!” She nodded, chewing the gum in her mouth that she had kept to ward off any nauseous feeling.

He shrugged, “Great, ya! How do you do that? You are not even nervous.”

She smiled, “You have no idea how serene I feel, at this moment. I am about to give birth to a baby who is an extension of us. A part of you and a part of me. He belongs to us. Our world! I feel so many things. Worry and nervousness are not even close.”

He sighed, “I always thought that I knew what unconditional was, when I fell in love with you. We were always so much in love that it scared me!”

She smiled blissfully and said, “A man and a woman believe that they know everything about unconditional love until they have a baby.”

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The Size of Love: Short Story: Chapter 2